“Please don’t leave me!” screams my inner child still sometimes in moments where I’m “ripped” apart from someone. Do you also experience the fear of abandonment? Yeah, high five, we got it from our childhood most likely.
The good news though is that since these are traumas and unhealed patterns that belong to the Old World, the less and less I experience them. And when I do, I have such internal power to step aside and observe the situation.
Every time I get close to someone, there will be a moment when my fears, traumas and past events come up and I feel triggered in one way or another. HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT??!!! I think that the fact that people are mostly our mirrors, bring up unhealed parts in us so they could be healed, and that we can learn from them about our own selves, IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER!!! Don’t you think?
I had about an hour to think about what I was feeling while walking home by the coast under a starry sky accompanied by the full moon. After about 20 minutes of walking I was able to put my finger on the feeling that was bothering me internally. It was the fear of being left alone. It was the fear of abandonment. I smiled at that moment. My heart was filled with gratitude that I’m able to do self work in such a beautiful place surrounded by palm trees and sun.
I was able to just lean into that feeling fully and let it take over me. It was painful and beautiful. I sat with my inner child, had some inner conversations and realisations.
If you’d spoken to Gerda 10 years ago, she would want to drink alcohol, party, listen to loud music, watch movies and distract herself in situations like this. Today I’ve arrived at a place where I’m able to sit alone in my shit. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.
I’m not just saying this to make self work look easy like rainbows and butterflies. I really think that sitting in the truth sets you free. If the truth is a little shitty, so be it. You can take a shower afterwards.
This post for some reason is so emotional to write, which reminds me of a writer I met a few years ago in the airport of Bordeaux. This story has nothing to do with the topic of this post but…
Peter approached me while I was looking sandy and tired. Me and my boyfriend at that time were flying to a seminar called “I Am Beautiful” to be speakers on stage.
We lived by the ocean most of the summer in a garage that belonged to a bar in this little amazing surf village. It was an early wake up call and I was wearing a hoodie with my salty wavy hair, flip flops and some sandy trousers. I’m still surprised Peter approached me but now that I can connect the dots I understand it was all about my internal attunement.
Our conversation was the most hilarious, which I’m not going to share here, but since he was a Hollywood child star and has tons of connections in the industry, he gave me his business card and we’ve kept in touch all this time. His birthday is a few days before me so we are both probably two emotional cancerians and love to write our hearts out. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that he is also a writer.
I wanted you to get a taste of what it feels like when you look like a hot sandy mess but still manage to attract this wonderful well dressed man into your life just because you were attuned right internally.
Anyway, back to the main subject.
If you feel like numbing your pain and feelings, do it. Just know that at one point it will catch you and you’re forced to sit in your shit more than ever before. The sooner you start doing it, the more you’ll know how to handle the pain along the way.
It is just these small breakthroughs that no one else sees externally but you feel them internally so intensely, and you know that your life is shifting once you start sitting in your feelings. It’s honestly amazing.
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Thank you for reading!
Until next time!
Gerda Carina
